


Compulsion

by wanderingsmith



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-08-27
Updated: 2008-08-27
Packaged: 2017-10-08 04:46:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/72843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderingsmith/pseuds/wanderingsmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Of needs; and other delusions</p>
            </blockquote>





	Compulsion

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I ain't got no money, and nobody'd be daft enough to pay me for this. As it is thought, so let it be said; you make the toys, I play with 'em.
> 
> AN: these words just started appearing while I was trying to create candy icons... well? what was I supposed to do with them? it has a weird dark undertone for me. and no form or reason... but I never can resist putting this kind of stuff out there... lol, your bad luck

Some days, he could fool himself until noon.  Worked away the hours keeping his people in tip-top shape.  Keeping *himself* in tip-top shape.  But then, sooner or later, he'd start to itch, start to twitch.  At first unconsciously, annoying everyone around him.  And then he'd see something, hear something.  And she would be there.  His fiddling fingers would freeze as the itch of wrongness would finally register; and her image associate itself with it.

If it took too long for that realization to break through denial, the need would be full-blown and sharp-edged, and sometimes he was moving before he made the choice.  He had to see her.  Now.  Every cell of his body was aligned in her direction, a physical pain.

He just needed her in *one* of his senses.  But calling her without an excuse.. would make questions be asked.  And that left going to her.

There were days when it wasn't so urgent.  When he thought of her first, and the compulsion only grew slowly.  But then when it finally reached the point of needing more than mere memory, he had no way to deny to himself the reality.  No overwhelming sensations allowing him to not think of the fact that he needed her. 

And then there she was, walking back and forth in front of a meeting-full of scientist, forearms expressing her optimism and conviction as much as the jaunt in her steps did.  Wide smile and shining eyes making everyone believe her, follow her.  Come to her. 

People saw him as a lazy sod when he was in the city because he spent so much time hanging about.  It wasn't as often as they thought of course, they just always looked up when he appeared -stranger in their midst- and so to their perception, he was always there.

But they didn't say anything.  Self-defence training could be good exercise.. or it could be agonizing hell.  He'd demonstrated that enough, early on, with the people that he knew had given Elizabeth trouble... now people avoided doing things that would make John *notice* them.

Which left him free to stand in the control room, pretending to look at a screen over someone's shoulder while he actually stared at Elizabeth through the glass walls. 

Filling his senses, his soul, with her existence.  Just a couple minutes to restore his sanity for a while.  A few hours at least.  The closer the contact, the longer he lasted.

Missions were a world of their own of course.  Filled with awareness that he was away from home.  Which naturally enough made everything from home hover at the edge of his mind.  But there was nothing wrong with wanting to be home.  Everyone did that.  So he didn't need to 'admit' anything before letting himself focus.  Could spend every second with a part of his thoughts focused on Elizabeth... and just tell himself that she represented Atlantis and that was OK.  Didn't mean anything.  Really! 


End file.
